Okay, time to use my Charlie Brooker type personality for you. Let's go. Where were you when the Love Island Finale in 2023 teased Big Brother's return?

It was a moment that sent shockwaves through the reality TV landscape. The iconic show, which had captivated audiences for years, was making a comeback. But this time, it was under the banner of ITV, and the stakes were higher than ever. However, when the first episode aired, disaster struck. The lack of genuine housemate dynamics left me yearning for the messy glory days of Channel 5. Here's my opinion.

It became painfully clear that ITV’s version of Big Brother was missing the mark, and not by a small margin. Let’s start with the hosts, AJ Odudu and Will Best. On paper, they seemed like a promising duo: AJ with her infectious energy and Will with his laid-back charm, not to mention how both of them have already worked together over on 4Music with "Trending Live" (probably the reason why they got the job, because they've worked with the "YOUFS OF BRITAIN" before, but I digress). In actual LIVE practice, though, their chemistry feels more like two strangers awkwardly trying to navigate a blind date than a dynamic hosting team. Their banter often comes across as forced, their jokes land flat, and please do not get me started on how much they love their own voices. They interrupt each other so much that it becomes a pissing contest over who is the better voice of the show! Plus, the overuse of "catchphrases" hurts me (and by proxy; you) more than a wooden stick being rubbed against my bollocks. The amount of times I have heard each phrase of "Fancy another one?" or "Please do not swear" (or as AJ says it: SWURR) is unbearable. Someone needs to tell them that these iconic phrases come naturally, not through force. Even then, don’t get me started on the fact that rehashing an old host's iconic phrases because you can’t come up with anything original that’ll hit the same really says a lot about ITV as a whole, but... that’s a topic for another time. It’s as if they’re trying too hard to inject personality into a show which already HAS a personality, but instead, they end up overshadowing the very thing we’re here to watch: the housemates.

And that brings us to the editing. Oh, the editing. This is the shit that Queen Lizzie would've cried over. One of the things that made Big Brother so compelling in its Channel 5 days was its raw, unfiltered approach. We got to see the mundane and very petty little moments that made the housemates feel like real people, they celebrated what makes us all human. Them washing up and cleaning after themselves, them having a cheeky smoke in the garden... It's all these little things that add up to the ethos of what Big Brother was; the original social experiment... which ITV for some reason love to say. ITV’s version, however, feels like a sanitized highlight reel. The episodes are so polished and overproduced that they’ve lost the authenticity that made Big Brother what it was. Instead of feeling like we’re peeking into the lives of real people, it feels like we’re watching a scripted drama with all the interesting bits left on the cutting room floor, or speaking of cutting...

The glaring issue of screen time, or lack thereof, for the housemates. I know, I can see the irony as well. The whole fucking basis of the show is the housemates, and yet they barely show a thing. For a show that’s supposed to be about the interactions and dynamics of people living together in a confined space, we barely get to see the housemates in action. Instead, on live evictions that is, we’re treated to endless commentary from AJ and Will, who seem more interested in narrating every little detail than letting the housemates’ personalities shine through. The result is a show that feels disconnected from its own premise. We’re supposed to be watching the drama unfold naturally, but instead, we’re spoon-fed a watered-down version of events that lacks any real substance.

What made Channel 5’s Big Brother so special was its willingness to embrace the awkwardness and unpredictability of real life. The long, unedited shots of housemates sitting in silence, the petty arguments over who ate the last slice of bread, the genuine moments of connection and vulnerability – all of that has been stripped away in ITV’s version. What we’re left with is a show that feels more like a glossy magazine spread than a reality TV phenomenon. It’s all style and no substance, and it’s a disservice to the legacy of Big Brother.

In the end, ITV’s Big Brother feels like a missed opportunity. It had the chance to bring back a beloved show and make it relevant for a new generation, but instead, it’s become a pale imitation of its former self. The awkward hosts, the overproduced editing, and the lack of focus on the housemates have all contributed to a show that feels like it’s lost its soul. What a waste. My final two pence is this: The house has shrunk for good reason, I think we are very close to saying: "This is the final Big Brother on ITV2, please do not Swurr." I'll see you when it's axed for good.